- Benjamin Alsup for Esquire in 2007
Well. What to say? Maybe … nothing. Yes, I’ll go with nothing.
If jokey if-gulags-don’t-sound-like-your-idea-of-fun openings don’t sound like your idea of fun, maybe you’d prefer Alsup’s new Esquire piece, which brought him into my life a few minutes ago: “The Complaint: Sexless Novels.” You could read it. But why not make your own? Here’s the recipe:
1) Boil Katie Roiphe’s flawed 2009 “The Naked and the Conflicted” until its original 3,220 words are reduced down to 678 words.
2) Don’t mention Roiphe.
3) Add some my-MFA-doesn’t-mean-I-wear-a-skirt stuff like “if you’re gonna commit all of yourself to reading a book, a writer has gotta give all in return. He’s gotta use his hips. Maybe put a little back into it. Jonathan Safran Foer is a lovely cat and all, but Jesus, does that guy ever break a sweat?”
4) Own it. Maybe you’d really want a sweaty Jonathan Safran Foer using his hips and putting a little back into you. Maybe you wouldn’t. But the line is money. Don’t over-think this.
5) Employ the phrase “the itchy unkindness of synthetic fibers against the skin,” which will even get an appreciative smile from any jerk who might devise a fake recipe about your writing.
6) Find a few sex-scene quotes. Roiphe had quotes. But if you just took hers wholesale, you might have to mention her. (See #2.)
